A month or two ago I was reflecting on brokenness, and how I pulled out of a near-breakdown just in the nick of time. In one post, I wrote:
“I was able to recover a little and make it through the next few months, until here I am today, wishing I’d just have let myself crash and let God do what he wanted me to do. Realizing that I’ve been going through the motions for four months, doing what good pastors do, truly meaning well, but not empowered by the Spirit because I’ve been depending on myself instead.”
I have wondered often: What if I’d let myself crash? Let’s make a list.
-I’d have crashed. There. I said it.
-I’d have asked for time off to recover.
-I’d have asked for help.
-I’d have learned more about dependence and intimacy with Jesus.
-It would have put the church into a different faith mode: If the pastor can’t do what he normally does, others have to step up and step in and step out in new ways. In other words, though I meant well, I probably robbed the church of a new experience of God by holding myself together.
“You’re being too harsh with yourself, Brad,” you say. Yeah, well… I’ve been praying about it and God has clearly revealed this to me: I missed out, the church missed out.
My second prayer has been, “Lord, if there is a way of recovering some of what I missed, I want it.” And then this past week, my throat gets nailed beyond comprehension so I can’t speak. Notice:
-I’ve crashed, literally.
-I’ve been forced to take time off from speaking to recover.
-I’ve been forced to ask for help.
-I’m learning new things about dependence and intimacy with Jesus.
-The church is in a different faith mode. Excited to see what God does with this.
In other words, God has answered my prayer and has found a way to bring about the same kind of results that I missed out on the first time. Is that cool or what?
God is good, all the time!