Today is one ‘a them days—one of those “I’m still wasted from preaching my heart out on Sunday and my stomach is upset and I’m all wound up about church stuff and feeling the weight of too much responsibility and I wish I could just escape into something mindless but that wouldn’t be facing what’s really going on within me so I need to spend time asking God about all this instead” kind of days.
Today I think the bulk of my angst comes from realizing that I’ve been ignoring some subtle clues around me that I’ve either pretended not to see or just convinced myself that I don’t have the time or energy to deal with them. Things that would have been easier to face when they floated past the corner of my eye the first time. Now they’ve hit the ground, dug in complicated roots, maybe popped a thorny flower or two. Now it might hurt to deal with them. Now I’m going to have to uproot some grass to do it.
As a pastor, I see this selective amnesia tendency all the time in other people (cause it’s easier to spot weaknesses in others, isn’t it?). I hate finding it in myself, though, because it means for all my strength, I’m still part wet noodle. I still engage selectively, strategically avoiding things that I don’t want to do by almost convincing myself that there isn’t a problem, or that it’s not such a big deal after all, that I can leave it alone because it’s not a hill worth dying on. Sometimes I’m just tired, and don’t care. Or I care, but wish I didn’t.
But the thing is, sometimes molehills turn out to be mountains in disguise.
I’m grateful to God for the strength he’s grown in me over the past few years, strength I didn’t know I had, didn’t want to have. Strength that others marvel at sometimes.
But I know the truth, when I let it surface: Even though God has tackled some major fears in me, made some wonderful progress, I’m still a wuss in some pretty significant ways.
Jesus, thank you for your patience. Sorry for my lack of spine, or trust, or whatever my problem is. Thanks for your grace. And thank you that you work in spite of all our wet-noodleness.