You know what? I’m just gonna come right out and say it:

Most blog readers are fickle. And so am I.

Yup. It’s true.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I’ve had some amazing blog followers these past few years—faithful readers, tweeters, and commenters who dig deep, think deep, and invest deep.

Most of my blog traffic isn’t like those folks, though. Most of my supposed “hits” are one-shot wonders stopping by because my tweet headline caught their attention during coffee break. In other words, most my traffic comes from people surfing around aimlessly, scrolling through blocks of text and pretty pictures, until—

SQUIRREL!

And I’m the squirrel.

Of course, I do the same thing. I zip through my twitter feed until something —SQUIRREL!—catches my eye, then click, then read it, then leave to hunt down more squirrels.

It’s gotta be pretty good stuff to make me stick around, to subscribe, to comment, to invest. If you’re one of those people, you da bomb.

Honestly, traffic is fairly easy to snag if you don’t mind selling out and riding the roller coaster of unpredictability. If my blog is solely about traffic, my hit counter is going to be all over the map.

Sigh.

I confess, I’m addicted to watching those mysterious numbers on my stats page, following the rise and fall of bradhuebert.com like its Wall Street during a recession.

Deep down, though, I don’t even want traffic. I hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I hate the game, hate the pressure.

No, deep down, I want a tribe. A community. I want to contribute, to bless, to teach, to inspire, to grow, to confess. Together.

Confession #1: I’m writing a book.

In fact, I’m currently in serious talks with the Executive Editor at Multnomah. Here’s what he’s told me:

1. My writing voice is delightful.

2. My book concept is big. And so unique that he’s come right out and said, “I’ve never read anything like this before.” For a guy who’s spent his life in the book biz, that’s more than a compliment.

3. My platform… sucks. Okay, so he didn’t say “sucks.” But that’s what he meant. I’m not Andy Stanley or Max Lucado. I’m “some pastor guy” who lives in Calgary, Alberta with too few twitter followers to matter, too few blog hits to notice, too few Facebook friends to make a real dent. If my blog traffic doubled, it still wouldn’t make a blip on the radar where it counts.

And what he’s wrestling with right now, and rightfully so, is whether #1 and #2 can compensate for #3. So I confess: Sometimes I wrestle with blogging and tweeting my brains out because my motives are mixed. I’m trying to share and love and teach on one hand… and grow my platform on the other. Which means there are days when I’m just plain using you.

Sorry. I really am.

It makes me mad—at myself, mostly. And at the game. The marketing sandbox, where the guy who can kick up the most sand, wins. Me? I just keep getting stuff in my eye while sitting in the corner, watching the big kids play their games. And win.

To my faithful readers, thank you. So much. It blesses me to have the privilege of blessing you in some small way a few times a week. You are the tribe that matters. This week I didn’t blog much. That’s because I got fed up and kinda gave up. I had to reboot my heart.

Stupid game.

But you know what? This feels good. I may have offended some with my rant, but I needed to vent, needed to give this frustration a voice.

Thanks for… SQUIRREL! … listening.