Today in the van on the way to a Farmer’s Market, listening to Casting Crown’s profound song Voice of Truth, I wept as God touched me. And a moment later, I realized the truth:
He’s given me my heart back. What do I mean?
1. I feel a full range of emotions again—maybe more than before. I’m gripped by the ignition of passion again, and I weep easily. Imagine a plant withering in a pot with poor soil, dry to the bone. That was me. Watering it a little doesn’t help much. Every drop is sucked up by parched soil and greedy roots. But when a plant is adequately watered, the soil is moist through and through, so that the next watering runs right through and seeps over the dish the pot is sitting on. That’s what my tears felt like today—ragged, raw, beautiful, ripe, and full.
2. My fuse is longer. I’m crying a lot, but more out of relief and joy than sorrow and frustration. And I love it. But I’m also noticing a patience I didn’t have three months ago.
3. I’m relaxed and I can tell myself to relax when I tense up. Before tension was normal, so there was no coming down from it. It’s so freeing to have an actual rhythm again.
4. I can feel the thrilling buzz of creative energy flowing like drugs through my veins. Don’t jump to conclusions, that’s a good thing, the way God wired me. My problem last year was that I ran on that fuel instead of God’s energy within me, and I ran the tank dry. One of the reasons for that was that I never turned it off, night or day. This time around I’m noticing the buzz for what it is—God’s gift to me for the creative ministry he’s called me to—but even that is meant to ebb and flow with sabbath and ceasing. Today I felt the upward buzz and shut it off. It was so liberating!
5. I’m at peace with being a bit of a mess and resting in Jesus.
Ah, thank you Lord, for being patient with me. For restoring me, renewing me. I couldn’t do it myself, so I was at your mercy—which is the only place I ever want to be.